‘If it costs you your peace it’s too expensive...and other things my ex taught me'

Could you tell me a little bit about your and your life?

I’m 42 and divorced, but in a different and good long-term relationship now. I came into some money when I was a young woman, through both an inheritance and an insurance pay out after a very serious accident. I did save and was quite prudent with my modest earnings and have always paid into a pension since I started working. I didn’t go to uni so didn’t accrue any debt that way.

Would you mind sharing more about your previous relationships?

I my met my (ex) husband in my mid 20s and he was slightly older. We had a happy relationship on the surface and got married after around 4 years.

What went wrong and how did money come into it?

Money was always a challenging situation between us. We both worked full time, and while I had some money and a house, he came with a debt issue. However, he was dealing with it proactively, had a good job earning more than me and was on the up.

Eventually he moved in to mine, and I didn’t ask him for money towards it, just bills. We were always planning to save for future life events: holidays, our wedding etc, but it never happened. I’m not sure how it happened, but there were always false promises to pay me back and to contribute more in the future. I ended up using the money I had to pay for most things.

I paid for most of our large wedding, covered payments to his parents for money he’d borrowed from them, and for work we needed doing in the house. I ended up selling it and using the money to put a deposit down on a place together. Month by month he pulled his weight but anything over and above the monthly outgoings he didn’t have a lot of money for.

It was then I discovered that he had developed a gambling issue. He was losing hundreds, sometimes thousands of pounds within a matter of days. He racked up debt again. I bailed him out because I thought a) I was steadying things (gamblers chase losses and end up losing more) and b) because I thought ultimately we were building a life together and it would get better.

What was the tipping point? How did you leave?

When I eventually found out he was cheating, that was it. We had a trial separation (which cost me more money to rent a place for him to live and buy furniture for as well).

As we finally headed to divorce it was fairly amicable. We agreed on how to split the house - I got back the deposit I’d put in and we split the profit. I bought him out of his ‘share’ of some of the furniture that I wanted to keep. Earlier in the marriage we’d been advised by a financial advisor to put some of my money in savings accounts in my name, and some in his to maximise interest. He kept the account in his name with £15k of my money in it. At this point he must have had about £30-40k + house profit of £40k.

Then it wasn’t amicable any more. He came back asking for another £12k ‘because he’d taken legal advice and was entitled to it’. I had the choice between paying him or going to court.

I was advised by a solicitor that if I went to court I could end up paying him more than he’d asked for, plus maintenance as he had become unemployed, and may also have to sign over a share of the pension i’d been building up for 15 years. I could have gone and ‘won’, but would it have been worth the risk? What if I didn’t win and I had to hand over what money I had left, with the knowledge that as soon as I got to pensionable age he’d pop up to stake his claim?! A lifelong link?! No thanks.

How are you today?

I’m now with someone who is very organised and planned about money. We have some shared assets but it’s definitely a more equal balance. I will never get married again - I’ll never sacrifice my financial stability and everything I’ve worked for to anyone. My partner knows this and is perfectly happy.

I’m very happy and settled in my new life, but part of me will always be angry. Angry at his sense of entitlement, as at any point he could have chosen to recognise how much I contributed compared to him and to not take as much when the marriage ended. I’m cross with the system that allows such an imbalance when a divorcing couple have no children. I’m cross that I’ve taken so many steps backwards in life - having to start again with a new home, with less money available, and now in some debt to pay for necessary works on the property.

Part of me will always be glad to have gotten rid of him without being dragged through court. I got peace. I got rid of him with no remaining ties.

What's your best advice for someone going through what you went through or planning to get married?

I’m conscious that I might sound very privileged to have money in the first place - even though it originated through life devastating and life changing events. I hope nobody thinks I’m complaining about that - my story is really about the impact of divorce and I hope it might help someone.

Go into marriage with open eyes. Have frank conversations with your partner. Understand how finances work once you’re married and how you might be affected if you split, and make provisions before you do. Get a declaration of trust in place. Get a pre-nup. Do anything you can to legally protect yourself and your assets. And always, always, have a ‘fuck off fund ’.

'If it costs you your peace it’s too expensive’.

Is there anything about your new relationship and how your perspective on money/relationships, and what you look for has changed?

I’m now with someone who is very organised and planned about money. We have some shared assets but it’s definitely a more equal balance. I will never get married again - I’ll never sacrifice my financial stability and everything I’ve worked for to anyone. My partner knows this and is perfectly happy.