'Is it wrong that I haven’t told my partner about my £25k pay rise?'

Can you tell me a bit about you, your life and your relationship?

I’m 34 and work in marketing. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years in total, and we’ve lived together for 6 of those years. We own our own flat, and the deposit for it was a gift from his parents. We agreed to split the mortgage and bills (including groceries) 50/50.

How are the finances split between you both?

I’ve always earned more than my partner. When we first moved in together, I earned around £5k more. In recent years, it’s been more like £10k-£15k.

We don’t have a joint bank account, and the Direct Debits for bills come out of my account. He gives me money each month towards the costs.

How has the financial dynamic changed?

Whilst we did split the mortgage and bills 50/50 to begin with, over the years, as living costs have gone up, the amount he gives me hasn’t. Whilst I’ve been happy to pay the difference as I’ve been earning more, I do have more outgoings pre-tax, as I have a student loan and contribute to a pension, whereas he doesn’t.

Have you discussed it with him?

Whenever I’ve asked if he can contribute to an unexpected bill, he’s said he can’t afford it. He has a lot of debt, and so I’ve accepted that I need to cover the costs. However, as an avid football fan, he has a season ticket, regularly travels across the country - and abroad - following his club, and he’ll never say no to a night out with his mates.

How do you feel about it?

I believe that sorting his finances aren’t a priority for him. In the last few years, I’ve felt like he’s taking advantage of the fact that I earn more. I often end up paying for both of us whenever we go out together and for our holidays. If I ask him for some money towards the costs, he says he’s going to contribute and then doesn’t. I’m starting to resent him because I feel like I’m supporting his lifestyle while he doesn’t take any financial responsibility in the relationship. I feel greedy asking him to pay for more. I’m not expecting 50/50, and I’m happy to pay when that’s my decision, but I feel like the expectation I will just pay is getting unfair.

What happened with the recent payrise?

I’ve recently had a significant pay rise due to a promotion, which means I now earn around £35k more than him. I haven’t told him because I feel like the expectation that I’ll pay for more will just increase.

What does the future hold, any plans, worries or hopes?

We want to move into a house, and as I’m the only one contributing to our savings, I want to put my money into a separate savings account rather than paying for his share. At the moment, I feel like he’s holding me back from being able to invest in my (and our) future.