A woman having it all is a real rarity. Here's what I've come to accept as a Mum

As a parent to two very small ones, it has been hard to accept that I am not able to do both. I chose to focus on family while they’re so little as I can’t get that time back ever. I can have a career anytime (I hope) it’s been a bitter pill to swallow. It’s not fair, but girls are sold an ideal of “having it all” and realistically you can’t. Once you accept that and stop trying, you’re happier. My job hours suit, my work is understanding and I spend time with my babies before they think I’m not cool.

Could you tell me a little bit about you and your partner? What do you do and how old are you both?

Currently, I’m (29) an accounts supervisor and he (31) is a chef. We met when I was 18 and have mostly been together since.

How did you make the decision to have children and when did you decide was the right time?

We always knew we’d have children. We did a fair bit of travelling and waited until we were semi-settled in our home/work life. It took a little longer than we expected to get pregnant which made it hard to make any changes work wise when we knew it was on the horizon.

How have you accepted the trade-off between having a career and having children? Has it been difficult? I’m aware that some mums say they feel a loss of identity?

At first, I thought I wouldn’t want to go back to work and stay home with my perfect child. But then I had her and developed postnatal anxiety which made life very hard for a while. I went back to work because financially I needed to but I didn’t realise that because of the cost of the days she was at nursery I would only break even. It seemed so pointless. After some changes, we settled on 4 days 9-3 at work for me, two of which she went to nursery and two her dad had her then 3 I had her. I felt like going to work was the only way I could contribute and it also gave me a bit of a break…

After a while, we settled into a groove and then the pandemic happened and he was furloughed. I was working from home doing a small payroll for the staff that were still working. We got so much extra time with her, and it really made us value her and see what’s really important in life (like it did for many people) and decided maybe we could do it again! It took a while for me to be convinced. I had a second lot of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) while pregnant because of the fear of feeling awful and started anxiety medication at my 6-week post birth checkup. Since then I’ve been good. I recently went back to work and I’ve enjoyed having another facet to life again. It’s made me put more effort into my days with the babies (especially as the eldest starts school in September) and I appreciate what we have. That being said, going back to work I've had to relearn a lot of things that were ingrained in me. As I said, "woman can have it all" is a real rarity.

I believe you can do all of these things but you can’t do them all as well as you would perhaps like. I finish at 3 so I feel like I’m skipping out when people are still in their workday. I feel like if I’ve had a hard day at work my kids aren’t getting a "good me" when I get home because I’m distracted. My work isn’t getting the best of me because the baby is still up in the night. He was ill recently and I had to pick him up from nursery and leave work. It was so frustrating because not only was I leaving work (who thankfully are so understanding and wonderful) but it was never questioned that it would be me and not his dad that went.

In our case, I am the primary parent. All duties fall to me with few exceptions. Me working part-time because he earnt more and wasn’t able to work part-time as a chef, which means that I earn less. I have almost no disposable income, no close family to use for childcare. I am no longer invited to attend meetings for work and I feel out of the loop on so many things because they know I can’t go to anything outside of my core hours. I want to get involved and do more and earn more and progress but unless I can guarantee those hours and days, I can’t.

It’s frustrating and taken a long time for me to accept that it’s not really fair. I didn’t take all that into account when we started our family and it has been a loss of identity and freedom would usually you take for granted. I can no longer go buy lunch without checking the bank first. That being said, my babies have brought me more joy than any job ever could. I have changed 1000% and there is still a part of me that wants that high flying boss bitch career with flashy stuff, but for now it’s not going to happen. I have zero qualifications, I’m restricted and so bloody tired.

A lady I work with has had a high flying career and had a child later in life than me. She tried to do both for a while then worked at our company because it suited family life better. She said she’d never go to a job just for money anymore. Other stuff is more important. The hours/flexibility/understanding. I get it. Finally, I have come to terms, almost 4 years into parenting, that my babies are the priority. I don’t have to lose myself in them anymore but they won’t be little for long. One day I’ll be back to doing what I want when I want but now I’m mummy and it doesn’t pay well financially but it pays more than any job ever could and so much more.

What are your plans for the future? Both career and your family?

Once they’re both at school I want to get some qualifications and become a counsellor/therapist or teacher and work with teens/school children predominantly, as that’s when I could’ve done with support. Their dad may change career at some point so he’s not working every weekend and most evenings, but as he is the higher earner it would have to make sense financially.

We’ve also just submitted a mortgage application on a concessionary purchase* so hopefully, we’ll be even more stable in the future and keep making memories with the babies.

I definitely think the postnatal anxiety has impacted career prospects as now I’m full of self-doubt and second guess myself. I don’t think any other workplace would want me as a person never mind the demands of childcare on top. So, I’m somewhere between frustration at stagnation work-wise and appreciation that I am able to work and be in a job that understands my current needs.

My dream is to save up and buy a van/camper so we can do little weekend adventures and live life while we have the chance and make the most of it and show the kids some of the world/country. Just need to win the lottery first 😄

*A concessionary purchase is a term used to describe the purchase of a house for less than market value. It is also known as a below market value purchase (BMV). Mortgages used to buy properties at below market value are referred to as concessionary mortgages or BMV mortgages. This kind of concessionary purchase often, though not always, occurs between relatives.