'A holiday with family ruined our relationship'

Can you tell me a bit about you, your life and your relationship?

I’m currently married (my second time) with four children - two of which are from a previous relationship.

What’s the story?

I went on a family holiday with my husband and his three siblings and their spouses. All four of my kids came, and there were also three other children there. The accommodation was paid for by my mother-in-law as it was a big birthday for her!

The accommodation itself was in quite a remote area, and so I suggested we all do a large food shop for the week in preparation. I was happy to organise it as my two toddlers have pretty specific/random food preferences, but we just couldn’t collect it ourselves, given we are a family of 6 - we didn’t have room in the car!

Initially everyone was on board and said a kitty for pooling in money for essentials was a good idea, and would make sure everyone got what they wanted food-wise as well. The family staying the whole time with us offered to pick it up.

What happened then?

I ran though what we would order about a week before, to make sure everyone had what they wanted etc. It was at this point two of the couples/families who were staying for less time announced they didn’t want to contribute to the group food shop and wanted to ‘sort themselves out’.

This made things difficult as I wasn’t going to ask my MiL to contribute as she’d already paid for the holiday. I also had to ensure that there were enough treats for all the kids as well - you can’t exactly say ‘no you can’t have those biscuits/ice cream/drinks’ etc to them over the whole holiday.

This decision meant that there was already a bit of tension/awkwardness before we arrived. People had even brought their own specific tea bags etc.

Then of course all the food was bundled together and the higher-end stuff got eaten first (which we had bought). I must point out that all meals were eaten together using the stuff that we'd bought.

And then the family that stayed the whole time with us - and who’d said they were happy to contribute to the large shop - which ended up being over £400 - and had listened to me stressing about how to organise it (do I get enough bacon for everyone or just for half of us?) then never actually coughed up any of the food costs at all.

How did you feel about it?

Organising the cooking and eating arrangements for a large group over a week was hard and stressful. I put so much effort into making things nice for my MiL but the other family members not wanting to chip in made me feel like I was overstepping the mark somehow. But with 16 people you need a bit of planning when you’re halfway up a mountain in a remote area! And no one else offered to organise anything.

Also when the family that was with us the whole time and who went though the supplies with me didn’t send through a contribution to the costs, I felt cross and taken advantage of.

I never want to go anywhere with these people again.

The whole experience has left me questioning how we fit into the family dynamic. I’m questioning - was I out of order? Should I have reminded my sister in law about the need to settle up the food bill? How could I have handled this differently?

Do you have any advice for those where you were?

Don’t go away with people unless you’re all on the same page.