'My partner earns 3x my salary, we split rent 40/60 and everything else 50/50' What's fair?

Tell me a bit about your relationship and financial situation

So my partner earns roughly 3 times my salary. I’m on £20k annually, so my partner decided to be fair that we would split rent (everything including bills & parking) 40-60. He is the one that realistically enables us to live the way we do in a city centre apartment, but everything else in our lives including food shops, meals, vet bills, holidays, we still pay 50/50 and we’ve been together for 8+ years, about to get married.

How did you come up with this arrangement?

When we first started dating we were both students (I’m 4 years younger than him) so we didn’t have big expectations of what to spend our money on. As time’s gone on he’s now saved a large amount of money that I haven’t been able to, and whilst we still pay 50/50 for meals out etc, when we moved in 2 years ago he said that our wage gap wasn’t fair and split it in both our favour (60/40) so that I can now also save. So now we split everything but rent 50/50. It’s about finding balance and also continuously talking about how you’re doing financially. It’s so hard to say what I save in comparison to him, but that’s my wage and I can’t magic a new one! However, I feel pride in the fact that slowly as time goes on things are getting better.

Are you happy with the arrangement?

When we tell the family that we still 50/50 things like meals out and holidays etc, they can’t understand it as they’ve put their money together. I get the whole putting it together, but at the same time, I also don’t. I wonder if that really is a normal thing to share money or just to pay for things together when you need to?

Do you still feel conflicted about how you manage your money together? Would there be a better/fairer way?

Conflict about money isn’t as big of a deal as it used to be. My partner still saves around twice as much as I can in a month after being the one who supports so much, and is incredibly loving by sharing the statement that the money we both save, is going towards our future (house deposit, etc.). Close family sometimes question why we still split our money and haven’t combined it yet, but this system is just what works for us right now.

If you’re comfortable talking about it, how did you lose your inheritance?

A few years ago I lost a large amount of inheritance given by a family member when they passed because I was reckless and grieving so I spent it all. This one’s still a little tough to talk about, but I think it’s something everyone can learn from. I was left an inheritance of £10k when I was 21 by a very loved member of my family. Being so young, and at the time living in London, I was easily influenced by the Instagram lifestyle and how shopping seemed to make people happy. I spent it all within 6 months, found no happiness from my purchases and resulted in being suicidal. I’d honestly rather have spent £10k on therapy rather than items. It’s taken me 3 years to begin to forgive myself and move on. I’d go back in a heartbeat to have that money stored away but my partner has forgiven me and we’ve moved on. So now I’m just trying my hardest to live a very open life and realise I can’t spend the money I see others have to spend.

You said your partner has forgiven you over the inheritence, how did it impact him?

When I told him we lost the inheritance at the time, neither of us had savings. So as a couple he had seen the opportunity to use it as a booster towards a house deposit in the future.

When I lost it, that dream was kind of shattered. And it’s only been in the last 2 years now where he’s saved over £10k himself beginning those hopes again.

He says he’s forgiven me because he knows how bad my metal health was, but I can still see a small glimpse of pain because I know we’d probably have a house by now. My dad even stepped in a year back to say he’d saved extra from the inheritance my grandad (his dad) had left him, he offered us £20k out of the blue and we thought we had this magical start. We never asked for it but he offered.

We started viewing houses, got a mortgage in principle etc. Then just before this Xmas my dad rang me to say he no longer had the money. And it devastated us because we’d got our hopes up. We hadn’t asked for it, and it took us a while to say yes to it. So that’s also been something that’s stirred the pot more. The story is so long and complicated 😂

I always say I wish my dad had put the £10k away for me when I needed it as time went on. But as you can see my dad isn’t great with money either.

Is this the right way to manage money in a relationship?

Alice: In my view, there’s no right or wrong way to manage your money in a relationship. There are a variety of factors that influence the way a couple might choose to do this: income, savings, whether they are the homeowner, working arrangement etc. If both people are working and earning significantly different amounts, then I'd say it's fairer to divide up living costs proportionate to income. Using your post-tax income is the best way to go about it.

So if someone is earning £3000 pm (post-tax) and the other is on £2000, your total monthly income is £5000

£3000 is 60% of £5000

and

£2000 is 40% of £5000

You would then think about dividing up your rent and potentially other living expenses with a ratio of 60/40. As for expenses beyond rent, this is something to discuss together. Where I feel strongly that a lower earner shouldn’t be contributing the same amount is where the expense would be otherwise out of budget or something that the lower earner wouldn’t otherwise buy for themselves e.g. being asked to pay for half of a spinning bike or Xbox that they wouldn’t otherwise want or use. Or contributing half to their family member's expensive gift. Equally, I think it would be unfair for the wealthier party to significantly gain from the other person e.g. homeowners asking their partner to pay a substantial part of their mortgage. Not that this is entirely wrong but there is a risk of power imbalance.

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