‘Are we the a**holes for spending gifted wedding money on our honeymoon?’

Can you tell me a bit about you and your life?

I’m a 31 year old woman working in the Civil Service, engaged to my 33 year old fiancé, who works in commercial finance for a software company.

What's the dillemma you would like to share?

Our parents on both sides have been so incredibly kind and generous and have gifted us around £30k to spend on our upcoming wedding. My parents have given £10k and his family have gifted £20k. Me and my partner both have siblings and there has been a similar arrangement for each of them in the past.

My fiancé and I are trying to be really sensible and spend the money wisely. We are organising a medium sized wedding, with approx 65 guests, in the county where we live. Some of my friends and family who live abroad/ at the other end of country will need to pay to travel, but for most guests we hope the wedding will be affordable. We will be covering all food and drinks, but some people may need to book a hotel.

So why am I in a moral quandary? Because my fiancé wants to spend £10k of the gifted money on our honeymoon, just for us two.

Have you discussed your dilemma with anyone?

I haven’t discussed the situation with many people. I know lots of people’s parents do contribute to their weddings, but the sums involved are just so vast that I feel uncomfortable bringing it up at all.

My parents have been clear that their contribution is intended for the wedding itself. My fiancé’s parents have said to us that we could choose how to spend it, but I don’t know if they really meant that. My partner’s siblings spent all of their contributions on their weddings, and so I feel like his parents would want us to do the same.

How do you feel about it?

I personally think it’s a selfish idea, and that spending it on the honeymoon wouldn’t be what it was gifted for. My fiancé says that we can take the £10k from his parents, rather than mine, but I still feel so uncomfortable about it!

I feel that we should fund the honeymoon ourselves, as it’s purely for our own enjoyment. I would feel guilty, and think that if we are not spending it on the wedding, then we should give it back to them! Both his parents are retired so £20k is a huge amount of money that they’ve saved up, and they could spend on a really nice holiday for themselves rather than funding a holiday for us.