"My husband hid debt from me and I just can’t let it go"

Could you tell me a little about you and your life?

I'm a 32 year old marketing professional who got married last year. My husband and I have been together for about eight years in total, and I have recently found out that I’m pregnant. We come from very different backgrounds (his dad was an alcoholic) and both have very different mindsets when it comes to money.

How do you both approach your finances?

He lives in the moment while I am a keen saver and planner. We are the epitome of ‘opposites attract’ and 90% of the time that works perfectly well for us.

Ever since I could work, I’ve saved my money in order to afford the things that I want, like holidays, dinners with friends, treating my family, and most of our house deposit. I have always been very sensible - and arguably a bit anal - about money. As someone who hasn’t had a lot of financial family help, sensible money decisions mean that you can make stressful situations easier and still live the life you want. My husband on the other hand, has up until recently only earned a low wage, and hasn’t changed his lifestyle to reflect it. He’s very social and spends all his money trying to keep up with his friends.

What is the story you would like to share?

When we bought our house five years ago, he revealed £15k of debt that meant he was not able to contribute fairly to the house deposit. I paid 90% of it, and he paid the debt off using financial help from his mum and a debt management plan from me.

Fast forward to this year, he has again gotten himself into almost £20k worth of debt over the last few years, as a result of excitement (and grief) around ours and friends’ weddings and the death of his father. The revelation of this debt came at a very bad time – I had just been made redundant (twice) and we were speeding ahead with £20k worth of renovations to our house that we had both agreed we could afford.

What was the financial impact of the reveal?

I had almost £30k cash from a combination of redundancy pay, a small inheritance from a family member, and my very careful saving. I ended up having to find a new job, pay for the entirety of the house renovations, and even made the decision to loan him £10k to get ahead of the interest his debt was haemorrhaging.

How do you feel about loaning him the £10k?

Although we have agreed a plan for him to pay me back, I slightly regret this decision. I am tired from the weight of carrying the reasonability in the relationship all these years, and we now have almost zero safety net should anything else go wrong. Added to this anxiety is my recently discovered pregnancy.

What has he been doing to get in front of the debt?

There is hope – he has recently found a much higher paying job in which he now out-earns me, and it has lots of potential for the future. He has also always responded very well to the budgets and financial planning I have laid out for us. He is also a changed man since the debt was revealed and the pregnancy, and I know he will be a fantastic father. He has always supported my career ambitions and I genuinely love him dearly – even though it has caused me great stress.

How do you feel about it all now?

The problem is that we are heading into another period of financial uncertainty. I am likely to only receive Statutory Maternity Pay, and all my emergency savings have been decimated by the renovations and loaning him money. By the time the baby is due, we will likely be debt free and he will be making regular payments to me, but we are nowhere near the position that I hoped we would be in, and I just cannot let it go. I snap at him at every opportunity, bring up the debt regularly, and blame him for the situation we are in whenever I am stressed or upset. I am so frustrated by our financial situation (things could have been so different) but I also understand that getting upset at him won’t help anything. What do I do?

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